Don’t Ask Your Kids This Question

Mueller wedding 3 of us #2

What’s the one-word question that undermines parenting faster than anything else?


Ugh! Why do we do that? Why do we give our children an instruction and then make obedience an option?

“You need to clean your room. Okay?”

“Please take out the garbage. Okay?”

“Be nice to your sister. Okay?”

What if our kids said, “No, it’s not okay. But thanks for the suggestion.”

What then? If we give them the option, we have to respect their choice of “no.”

Why make a suggestion when we really intend to give an instruction? It reveals insecurity and poor leadership. It’s our way of softening what we perceive to be something unpleasant. We don’t want to create a conflict, make them unhappy, or have them not like us … all of which are harmful qualities in a parent.

If we approach our kids with confidence and optimism, we can stop a lot of their resistance before it starts.

“Hey dude, it’s time to clean your room. Having your things neat and tidy makes it more fun to play in here.”

“It’s Friday, so please empty all the garbage cans. I appreciate all the work you do to make our home nice.”   

“You need to speak kindly to your brother. Respecting each other is one of our family priorities.”

You get the idea. If you aren’t really asking them if they want to, then don’t make it a question. Simply state what you expect. Don’t make it sound like a negotiation or like you feel bad asking them to do it. You don’t need to apologize for teaching your kids responsibility or for training their characters. That’s your God-given job! Own it with confidence. 



















Worst Advice Ever!

Advice blog pic

During my last elliptical workout I was watching a drama on Netflix. A married character was talking to her best friend, describing how much she wanted to have an affair with this guy at work.

After hearing all about the dilemma the best friend said,

“If it makes you happy I think it’s great.”

Wait. What?

Did that friend have any idea what he was saying?

There is a deep, abiding happiness in God that Christ followers can have but that’s not what he was talking about. He was elevating temporary happiness, a fleeting feeling of euphoria, above things like integrity, faithfulness, honesty, and selflessness.

He was telling her it was okay to implode her life if it would make her happy for awhile.

Happiness is never the criterion for making life decisions. Little ones, sure – like choosing a flavor of ice cream. But decisions that alter the course of life are worth far more consideration than whether or not they will produce happiness.

In fact, because of its fleeting nature, happiness is the worst thing upon which to base an important decision.

A real best friend would ask questions like …

     What’s the right thing to do?

     What will allow you in the long run to face yourself in the mirror?

     Which decision will make you feel ashamed vs. honorable?  

Even better, a godly best friend would ask …

     What does God say about this?

     Which decision would honor Him? 

When making decisions, successful people and Christ-like champions consider several things that look far beyond temporary happiness:

1) Short-term and long-term goals. Nothing that will hinder reaching their goals is allowed.

2) Their reputation. It only takes a moment to ruin a good name or a trusted brand that has taken years to establish.

3) Their relationships. Whether colleagues or family, they understand the value of a trusted and trusting inner circle.

4) Their spiritual integrity. They know that this is who they truly are. Their relationship with God is their number one priority resulting in every decision being brought under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Next time someone comes to you for advice, what will you say? 





“Pastor” Doesn’t Necessarily Equal “Integrity”

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Just because someone is in Christian ministry, doesn’t mean they live with integrity.

The Situation

Not too long ago, I met a pastor on twitter. When you know someone is a pastor in a denomination you trust, you assume certain things. They’ve been vetted. They have people around them (or they should) who hold them accountable. They are part of a ministry team that prays together, studies together and serves side by side. There is an expectation of safety.

This pastor and I ended up meeting in person at the state convention. He was polite and gracious. He was there representing his church and I was there representing the state task force against human trafficking. He was engaging and interesting as were all the pastors I talked to. There were no red flags.

We talked for around 20 minutes about our various ministries and what God was doing. It was all good.

Later that evening when I got home and was checking social media, I saw some private tweets from him. Up to that point, all of our communication had been in public, both at the convention and on twitter. There had been no private messaging.

Assuming his messages would be something about ministry, I opened them.

Uh … his messages were not about ministry. They were sexual and completely inappropriate.

What It Means

I was somewhat surprised because he was a pastor but not shocked, because he’s human. He had a glaring area of weakness that evidently hadn’t caught up with him yet.

But I was sad. Sad for what it meant for his family and church, and sad because his behavior is one of the reasons people are so afraid of men and women serving together. They point to things like that as proof that men and women aren’t supposed to work together.

All it proves is that human beings are sinful and that sex is alluring. As our culture is changing, it could just as easily happen between two women or two men. Drawing separation lines between the genders no longer covers all the safety bases.

That’s because the root cause isn’t about gender! It’s about lust and habits and thoughts that are not under the Holy Spirit’s control. That can happen anytime, anywhere. That’s what we have to be aware of and prepared for. Not in a suspicious kind of way, but in a wise kind of way.

About a year later, I saw on the news that he had been arrested for sexual misconduct with a minor. He had been caught sexting with a girl in the youth group at his church. He lost his church and the life he knew as he went to prison.

How We Respond

Be careful. Guard your own heart first and then be aware of others’ behaviors. Keep those Holy Spirit antennae up. Don’t assume that just because someone is in ministry, they are safe. That is NOT to say that we should be suspicious of everyone and automatically think the worst. It IS to say that we should be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16).

Jesus loved but He discerned. He gave of Himself but sometimes held back.

If we live and love like Jesus, we’re good to go.




















How Leaders and Influencers Stay Focused

Juliette vball 2013

My daughter is a collegiate athlete so her schedule is packed most of the time. When she’s not in class, she’s studying, on the road, at practice, or weightlifting. She has very little down time.

Because she’s a chemistry major with a heavy load, she has to take summer classes to keep up.

When school ended in May, she moved back home exhausted. She slept for two weeks and then her summer course started. It’s a long class and a lab so she’s at school most of the day, fitting in a workout in-between.

Last weekend her roommate, and best friend, was hosting an event that my daughter really wanted to go to. She lives across the state so attending the shower would actually be an overnight trip. She agonized over whether or not she had time to go. She decided it was worth it, so she worked on homework all day Friday (her day off) to get ahead. She made the trip but cut it short so she could get back home to study.

Her commitment amazes and inspires me. At such a young age, she knows what she wants and sacrifices fun to go after it. Many of her athlete friends at school choose easier majors because the schedule is so rough. While they’re going to movies, hanging out at each others’ apartments, and staying out late, she studies. Sure, she takes some time to be with her friends, but her eyes are on the prize.

She wants to get into medical school and she knows what it takes.

As leaders, having the influence God wants us to have, making the impact He wants us to make, leading people into transformed lives, takes focus. It requires choices … sacrificial choices. A purposeful life isn’t all fun and games.

As we journey however, we discover that our joy isn’t found in fun and games but in our relationship with Jesus. Family and friends are beautiful blessings, but sometimes time with them has to be sacrificed in order to do the work God has called us to do. And in that sacrifice, there is a joy that defies description.

 How do we stay focused and sacrificial?

1) Realize that every “no” we have to say to someone or something is a big “YES” to God. It isn’t limiting us, it’s opening up the opportunities God has for us.

2) Know that the joy we will experience in God’s will is far greater than a temporary thrill we’ll get from an activity.

3) Trust God’s all-sufficiency to cover the needs of the people we say “no” to. Our obedience is not at the expense of their well being. God will provide what they need.

4) Keep Bible study and prayer time our first priority. When we are filled with God – His vision, His calling, His passion – we won’t be needy for the things of this world.

“If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.”  John Piper

What Leaders, Visionaries and Influencers Don’t Do

Dinosaur drawing

In the waiting room a few weeks ago, I watched an intent preschooler color a picture in her coloring book. She wasn’t bored, scribbling mindlessly, but purposefully coloring in and out of the lines in patterns. An older woman, I’m guessing her grandmother, leaned over and said, “Stay inside the lines.”

Oh, how I wanted to say:

“No! You don’t have to stay inside the lines. Color however you want. Imagine! Draw your own lines! Create! The picture printed on that page is someone else’s idea. Color your own ideas.”

As a toddler and preschooler, my son would get frustrated in the church nursery when he was made to sit at a table and color preprinted pictures. He had no interest in staying in the lines so he would just scribble and be reprimanded.

One of the best gifts given to him when he was around eight was a blank artist’s sketch pad and a set of pencils. No coloring books. No preprinted pictures and lines. He was free to doodle and dream as God created him to do. He spent many happy hours lying on the floor drawing in that pad. It was so fun to see the creatures and funny people that came out the ends of those pencils!

Erwin McManus says that by the age of 12, kids have had their wild, crazy imaginations tamed and contained by parents, teachers and society.

Lock-step living.

Dreams tucked away as impossibilities.

Forced into conformity … inside the lines someone else determined.

That is not what God had in mind when:

  • He created people and proclaimed them, “Very good.”
  • He formed us fearfully and wonderfully.
  • He gave us unique personalities and specific spiritual gifts.
  • He made us to be reflections of Him on earth – creative, expressive and intentional.

Leaders, visionaries, and influencers don’t live inside the lines someone else drew. They listen to God for direction. They soak in the Holy Spirit’s boundless imagination. They’re at their best when the vision is impossible to accomplish. They thrive on surprising people with big God-plans and goals.

God’s plan for each of His kids was to unleash us on the world in order to color it with His magnificence.

We can’t do that by staying inside the lines where it’s safe and predictable.

What To Look For in a Single Guy

A friend was reading me a list her pastor shared of five things a guy must be in order for a Christian girl to be interested in him. It’s an excellent list! (Here’s the sermon) He likened it to a 30-foot fence the guy must climb over to be worthy of her attention. They all involve leadership and are taken from Ephesians 5. In a nutshell, the list is (with a few comments of my own):

1) Lead in love. 5:25

As Christ loved the Church – sacrificially. Biblical love is an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to an action on behalf of its object.

2) Lead in the Word. 5:26

Guys need to be students of the Word themselves and then make Bible study together the defining thing in their dating relationships and ultimately in marriage.

3) Protect her purity. 5:27

No pornography or sexual activity before marriage and no pornography after marriage. According to a recent survey conducted by of singles ages 18-59, 63% said they would be willing to have sex before marriage. Guys, take the lead here by choosing to honor God and the girl by refusing to defile yourself and her.

4) Lead in selflessness. 5:28

It’s the avenue by which grace flows. The guy needs to model this by putting the girl’s needs above his own. Girls tend to devalue themselves, while guys tend to think highly of themselves. When a guy chooses selflessness, he is showing the girl how valuable she is.

5) Lead in intimacy. 5:29

Intimacy is about letting someone into your life that is not readily available to other people. The guy must let his guard down, allow the girl in, and then put up a wall that no one else can get past. Guys create an atmosphere of trust when they hang a sign on that wall that says, “No trespassing.”

God sure knows what He’s talking about.

I don’t know one genuinely godly girl who wouldn’t follow a guy like that.

Obviously, each one of those qualities is a keeper but I would like to go back and place special emphasis on one in particular because I rarely hear it addressed and even rarer still, hear that it actually happens … leading in the Word.

Guys, if you’re having your own personal Bible study time, good for you! You’re way ahead of most and God will bless you for it. But if you sincerely want to be a godly dater and eventual husband, you must translate that personal time with God into conversation and time with the girl in your life.

Way more than flowers, movies and romantic dinners … WAY more … a girl desires her guy to talk with her about God. This is likely a stretch for you but you have to learn to articulate what God means to you and what you are learning from the Bible. And to take it a step further, you absolutely must initiate times of Bible study together. It couldn’t be any clearer!

“Husbands, love your wives … cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word.”

And just because that statement is addressed to husbands doesn’t mean it excludes single guys. If you’re not doing it when you date, you won’t do it when you’re married.

I can’t tell you how many women over the years have told me through tears how deeply they desire their husbands to be the spiritual leader in their home. Why isn’t it happening? I have to believe you don’t want the woman in your life to be broken-hearted. You want her respect so are probably doing the manly things you know to do to earn that. But guys, there will always be a lack in your relationship with her if you aren’t stepping to the plate spiritually.

You want to reach a girl’s heart? Start by opening your Bible.

And girls? Don’t settle for anything less. I can hear some of you groaning through the screen, “But there aren’t any guys like that!” First of all, God is still in the business of raising his men so there have to be some. But second, and something to seriously ponder, maybe the lack is because girls have lowered the bar and let guys off the hook.

Don’t. Do. That.

Wait for the guy who will lead and love like Jesus.



Angst Junkies and Opinion Seekers


The break I took in March from blogging and social media was quite the enlightening experience. The time I normally spend doing those things I mostly spent with God (reading and praying) and people face-to-face. It was fantastic!

I also let myself read a few blogs and emails I don’t usually take the time to read to see how some trendy, high profile people do their thing. God gave me a glimpse into something that I’m still processing but here are some comments at this point:

What I’ve had to admit, that I’ve known but tried to ignore or deny, is that a huge chunk of the Christian audience wants to read about opinions and feelings. Many of the writers, bloggers, and speakers that generate the most traffic don’t teach, train and help as much as they share their angst and thoughts about … anything.

When did that shift take place? When did Christ followers turn from a desire to learn and grow to this narcissistic, voyeuristic pursuit?

The Christian marketing world even has a hip, cool label for those who attract an audience with their feelings and opinions – “thought leader.” Shouldn’t that scare us a little bit?

When we know that the machine driving the blogs we read and the speakers we listen to is intentionally manipulating our thoughts, shouldn’t we run for the hills?

What difference should it make how I feel? Or why does anyone care what my opinion is about the latest news story? Can’t people think for themselves?

The amount of writing, reading and vitriol that spewed all over screens last week on World Vision and Noah was absurd. And I probably only caught a tiny fraction of it. Does it really matter what everybody thinks? Were those topics worth hours of precious life that can’t be regained? God gave us brains, the Bible and His smarter-than-smart Holy Spirit to figure things out for ourselves.

Of course it would be easy to attack our culture and blame things like reality TV. We’ve dumbed ourselves down. We’ve become dependent on other people. But those are symptoms of the problem.

Jesus nailed it (as He always did because He knows and is the Truth!) when He said,

“You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.” Matthew 22:29.

And actually, that thought goes way back to Joshua …

“choose for yourselves this day, whom you will serve.”

I’m not saying not to read or listen to solid, experienced Bible teachers, Scriptural communicators and people who are investing in the poor and hurting. By all means, pick a few and learn from them. But read and listen in order to learn, not wallow in emotional mire.

Who gets your best time and energy? Who gets your passions? Who controls your mind? Who is your thought leader?

The answers to those questions reveal how shallow or deep you are, and what kind of impact you can actually have in this world for Jesus Christ.

Why I’m Taking a Month Off


On February 22, I had the privilege of speaking at Come Away. It was a day designed to provide time for and concentration on God. The busyness of life and the constant attention to techie devices makes it challenging to hear God, to focus on Him, to make room for Him in our minds and hearts so we took a break from “normal.” It was a fantastic day!

As I was driving home, talking to God about what an amazing event it had been, He impressed on me that it was my turn to come away with Him but not just for a day – for the month of March.

One of my favorite pictures in the Bible is of Moses going up on Mount Sinai to meet with God. A cloud covered the top of the mountain and God’s glory settled on it. His glory looked like a consuming fire.

“Then Moses entered the cloud as he went up on the mountain. And he stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights.”

I’ve been captivated by that story since I was a little girl. Wondering what that was like for Moses and wanting so desperately to experience God that way.

So I’m unplugging from most of my online stuff for the next few weeks as well as changing some other things. God wants my attention and I want to be with Him. I’m not expecting a cloud and fire, although that would make an awesome blog post, but I am expecting Him to fill and guide me.

I admit to being somewhat fearful at first. Taking a whole month off might mean I lose ministry opportunities. Gasp! The sad truth is … publishers look at a writer’s social media numbers before they even read the manuscript. Event planners want to know how wide a speaker’s influence is before even hearing him/her speak.

“What if I lose followers, God? What if my platform shrinks while I’m away with You?”

 Can you guess what He said?

“What I want to do in and through you has nothing to do with something as shallow as social media numbers. That makes Me want to vomit. The best thing you can do for people I ask you to serve is spend more time with Me.” 

Bam! I was all in.

I love you, friends. More importantly, God loves you.

See you in April.



Healing the Sick

(by guest contributor Leslie Lamb, my beautiful, young friend whose heart and passion for God challenge and inspire me!)

When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” (Mark 2:17 NLT)

That was Jesus addressing the Pharisees, right after they made a snide, judgmental comment about with whom He was choosing to spend His time. His point was, “I want to be with those who know they need Me, not those who think they have it all together.” We don’t get the picture that everyone He spent time with was changed, but we do see that those who did were changed forever.

I have a bit of a struggle with the Church as we are functioning. Legalism and religiosity were shoved down our gullets for so long making us question grace and mercy and how far is too far, that when we grasped the truth that grace is eternal and mercy never failing with a love that is everlasting, we kind of neglected our healing. We chose to identify with the sinner AS the sinner, and as such we have given up hope of transformation, and we function more like hospice than a hospital.

What do I mean?

The ultimate function of a hospital is to diagnose and treat the issue and see the patients healed and released to live healthier, fuller lives. Whereas many are in pain and struggle and don’t know exactly why, pointing them toward Christ helps them to search within themselves, with the encouragement and support of others, to diagnose that need and find how it might be met or the illness might be cured. Jesus is the Cure to any and all illness. So we as the church, act as nurses and aids to help with that healing process. We work to help them see what their illness caused and how they are different since they are now cured. Whereas before they had limped for so long or had struggled to breathe or function while they were diseased with sin, now they have a new life, completely healed from the inside out, but they have to walk that out which translates into therapy and treatment for the physical illness, counseling and learning for the spiritual illness.

But, lately I see the Church succumbing to illness and simply making the diseased comfortable. See, when we say we are sinners saved by grace, we associate ourselves with the illness, we speak a message that sounds more defeated by sin than the power of an Overcomer!

It’s the story of two patients. Both have been diagnosed with a terminal illness… One goes to the hospital and through treatment and care finds themselves in the other side of the battle, and though the scars remain and the threat of disease still exists, the empowered strength of knowing they have victory over the illness, permeates his or her with determination and the voice becomes one of “look what treatment did for me! You can be healed, too!”

The other goes to the hospital and hears that he or she is sick. But the nurses and aids around acknowledge the sickness and confess that they too have cancer and haven’t had much success with treatments. What is the patient good to decide? What hope is he or she going to feel? Treatment is work. So they decide to ride out the disease and those around do what they can to make them comfortable with that decision, in a sense acting as hospice excusing their treatment, and helping them to feel comfortable until death.

Those are strong examples, but this is what I see. We have to let go of this need to assuage the sinner because we ourselves are not perfect, but we also have to embrace the truth that even as we struggle, we are saved and set apart. We need to speak from a heart of victory that has seen the Hand of God and been delivered instead of a heart of fear that isn’t quite sure that we are forgiven, or worse, out of a heart that acknowledges our imperfections and chooses to do nothing about them, holding onto the crutches of grace.

What’s your voice? What’s your message? Where’s your hope?

Meet the author …

Leslie lamb

Leslie Lamb is an author and speaker who has a heart impassioned for this generation. Through her two published books, Kiss, Bang, Boom! And Paper, Rock, Scissors., she does her best to communicate to teens a message of hope and innocence in a world of serious and destructive issues. She has contributed her God-given talents to multiple organizations including LeadHer Ministries, 88.7 The Cross – a local Christian radio station, and helped to found an online webcast through a ministry called Teen Christian Ministries, Inc. She lives in Monroe, Louisiana with her husband and two preteen daughters and their protective and precocious pup, Chloe. She can be found online at and through Facebook and Twitter @lesliealamb.

5 Tips to Sharpen Your Leadership Style

Leadership Style

(By guest contributor Angela Bisignano, PhD)

Many types of leaders and styles of leadership exist. Becoming intentional about your leadership style can make a big difference in your influence. Two of the most important questions today regarding leadership style may be: Who has God called me to lead? and How can I develop the most effective leadership style to do what God is calling me to do?

Here are 5 steps to sharpen your leadership style.

Be Strengths-Smart:

Lead with your strengths. Knowing what your strengths are and how to best use them may be your greatest leadership asset. More than likely, you will lead with more effectiveness, influence, and success when you are leading with your strengths.

If you aren’t completely sure what your top strengths are ask 3 trusted co-workers, colleagues, or friends. You can also try using a strengths assessment or tool. “Strengths Based Leadership” by Tom Rath and Barry Conchie is one suggestion.

Be Clear About Where You’re Going:

Know where you are going and where God is leading you. This is fundamental to great leadership. If you don’t know where you are going, why would anyone want to follow? In the wise words once spoken by King Solomon,

If people can’t see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; but when they attend to what He reveals, they are most blessed (Prov. 29:18, MSG).

Spend time seeking God in prayer. Ask Him to show you what He is up to in the people around you and where He is leading you. Then communicate your “vision.” You don’t need to have all the details worked out. You just need to let people know the “direction” in which you are heading.

Be a Risk-Taker:

Be bold. Go where you believe God is leading you to go. Take risks and be willing to try something new. Dare to challenge your leadership style. When you are stretching and growing there is momentum. When the Holy Spirit is leading you, God infuses His power and dynamism into your leadership.

If you pray and sense God is leading you into something move on it. Seek out wise counsel. If you have a peace about it then courageously go forward. Courage fueled by God is unstoppable.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7 NKJV).

Be Honoring to Your Followers:

Some of the best leaders today are servant-focused. This means understanding the greater needs of those following in your group, team, or ministry. Be sensitive and ask, “How can I best serve them?” Jesus said it well when speaking to His disciples:

Whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant… Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many (Matt. 20:26-28 NKJV).

Deepen people’s trust and confidence in you, by reflecting Godly values in your life. Inspiring leaders understand they are in the people business. Make an effort to really come alongside of your fellow-followers and help them grow and develop. Showing them that you care speaks volumes. Be humble in your leadership role by recognizing that God is the one who has allowed you to have your position. God is the great leader and we are merely following in the footsteps of Jesus.

Be Aware of Your “Unique”:

Acknowledging that God has uniquely created you is important; He did so for a reason. The more you understand that there is a purpose to who you are, the greater your leadership can be. There is only one you. Be genuine and confident in your leadership style. Nobody wants to follow anyone who isn’t authentic or doesn’t feel comfortable in their own skin.

Use your unique leadership qualities to your advantage for the greater work that God wants to do through your life. If you desire to know what makes you stand apart, try asking three people who know you well what they consider your unique qualities to be.

I would love to your know your thoughts.

Angela Bisignano

Angela Bisignano has a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and an M.S. in Ministry. She works as a Leadership and Life Consultant. Her research and writing interests are best reflected in the areas of faith, family, psychology, and leadership. She is passionate about empowering people to embrace intentional and wholehearted living.

Angela lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband and two sons.

Get to know more about Angela at her website

You can also follow her on twitter and find her on Facebook